Is it just me or is this summer becoming wonderfully surreal? Like Doctor Who’s sexy assistant leading you into the Tardis and transporting you to a parallel world.
A summer where the England football team, led by a huge bobble headed defender and a goalkeeper who seemed to have borrowed his left hand from The Hulk, made the semi-final of the World Cup.
A summer where old men with golf swings akin to an octopus dancing the floss are hitting 300 yard Drives on fairways blonder than an Essex girls locks.
A summer where the green green grass of Northern Ireland has a hose pipe ban and where we rely on Donald Trump and a basin haired North Korean dictator for world peace.
So in these months of balmy, blue-skyed, beer-goggled craziness, what can we expect to happen next? I take a look into my Pro-V1 sized crystal ball and make a few predictions for the coming weeks in the golfing world:
Remarkable turn of events at Carnoustie as American Dustin Johnson leads by 4 shots with just one hole to play. Aided by a baked hard fairway and bouncing off the Barry Burn bridge, his Drive at the 18th sails over 500 yards and through the clubhouse window at the back of the green.
Controversially ruled still in-bounds, Johnson is temporarily denied entry to the members lounge to play his ball as he does not conform to the dress code. Fortunately Justin Thomas is still around and interrupts his game of ping-pong with Matt Kuchar to lend Johnson his first round Ralph Lauren Jacket and Tie combination.
Crippled by the poor fitting shirt, Johnson takes five shots to extricate his ball from the clubhouse and falls out of contention.
Englishman Tommy Fleetwood sensationally comes from 12 shots behind with a final round 58 to win by 2 shots. Following his victory, Fleetwood explains that he was inspired by World Cup hero Gareth Southgate, who had travelled across Europe to sing Happy Birthday at Fleetwood’s Nan’s 90th the evening before. Whilst at the party, Southgate had performed the Heimlich maneuver to save Tommy’s young niece from choking before donating his piece of the birthday cake to the local food bank.
Golf made its way to the front pages of the newspapers on the morning of the final round as Tiger Woods started with a 2 shot lead.
The third round was also the occasion when the identity of the mysterious @GCTigerTracker was unveiled, as his phone exploded shortly after Woods holed his bunker shot for eagle on the 17th hole.
The final round was a strange affair. Francesco Molinari and Bryson DeChambeau, in the penultimate group were watched by only the Italians mum, the young Americans girlfriend, two policemen and a dog. Meanwhile 40,000 spectators and media swarmed around each hole with Woods and Justin Thomas in the final pair.
Initially this seemed to help Woods, as the crowd acted like those ten-pin bowling buffers that kids use and rebounded several errant drives back to the fairway. They could do nothing, however, about a series of duffed chips on the back 9 that cost Woods the title. It is unclear whether the cries of ‘Fried Tomatoes’ by the American audience had any effect on Woods, but the randomness surely must have confused him on some level.
Young DeChambeau eventually captured his first major, chipping in from off the green on the first playoff hole after using the moons angle multiplied by Greenwich Mean Time to determine the trajectory required.
A plethora of crazy events unfolded during the final day’s play at Le Golf National.
4 points ahead going into the singles, American hopes were hit by lead-off man Bubba Watson missing his tee-time whilst in traffic going around the Arc De Triomphe. Commenting afterwards, Watson stated ‘I just had to see that crazy-arsed doorway but man I just couldn’t get off that circular road and those French dudes sure did not help me’.
With hindsight it was inevitable that the Group 4 match-up between Ian Poulter and Patrick Reed would create drama, and so it proved. Unable to agree whose turn it was on the 12th green as both players faced 70-foot birdie putts, they decided to play simultaneously. As both balls crashed into the hole on top of one another for a remarkable half, Poulter exploded into a manic series of fist pumps whilst Reed turned to every corner of the green with his ‘shush’ signals. Whipped into a frenzy of nationalist fervour, the crowd rushed onto the green. Poulter emerged with only one shoe but more seriously Reed’s putter was stolen by a man dressed as a large French Onion who promptly escaped by floating across the nearby lake. For the players own safety, the match was promptly declared a half.
The contest came to a dramatic finale in the deciding match when Rickie Fowler’s ball was blown off course by the trail of Air Force One and into the water on the 18th to allow Europe to claim an unlikely victory. President Trump had been making his way to Charles De Gaulle airport to celebrate with the Americans after deciding they could not lose with such a commanding lead going into the final day. On being told of their defeat., Trump turned the plane around and left in a huff, but not before striking a deal to turn the French course into ‘Trump International Paris’.
A Mad, Mad Summer.